Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
