I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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