well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
