.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
