I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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