with your own penis?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
