The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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