M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
