I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
