If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
