I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
