It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
