No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
