i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
