Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
