Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think I just sharted jello shots
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