Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
