You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
