I seem to have left my pride at pride
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
