i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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