Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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