i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize