You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
