Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He better not be in your backpack
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
