Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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