I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
