Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
