my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize