Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We got so high we made milksteak
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So apparently I’m into choking now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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