I accidentally had phone sex last night
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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