The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
