Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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