I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
