It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
