Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
