It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
