My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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