We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she told me i tasted like america
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
