If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think your dad took our porno
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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