I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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