dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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