I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize