I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize