Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the condom got lost in my hair
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
