Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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