my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
