a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
