Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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