I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
