last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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