my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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