I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize