He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
