Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
