genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize