Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize