Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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