Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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