a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize