Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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