Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
