Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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