I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
