Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Everyone says I win the strip club
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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