By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize